Sunday, January 11, 2009

If you really wanna dig inside my head, pull up a chair you got all night.

New rule...ummm...if something good is in store for me, I'm not going to report it. If I report it, it will go completely wrong and backwards and my life will go to shit. I told you I was doing better last night. I should have said "My life is a flaming hell hole" and maybe I wouldn't have been as disappointed when it turned into one earlier today. Well, maybe not my life, but my plans definitely went to hell and/or up in flames.

Let's recap this week.

Monday - I don't remember.

Tuesday - I went to Katie's house and stayed from 3:30 until 9. We watched Knocked Up and part of a "scary movie" that just was stupid. Also some We Are Scientist and The Hives on Youtube. Excellent day.

Wednesday - I took Katie to see Seven Pounds because everyone needs to see it. I then found and purchased an ALL CD (I find maybe one of those per year). Then we ate CiCi's and went home. Another very excellent day.

Thursday - Katie says something about how she might be moving back to Williamsport, but it's undecided. A worried, but hopeful day.

Friday - Katie does not go to school, but tells me that night that she's probably moving back to Williamsport. Depressing, upsetting...but there was still a little bit of hope.

Saturday - Katie verifies that she's going back to Williamsport. However, we make plans to hang out on Monday and Tuesday before she moves back. Upset, but with a sense of hidden excitement.

Sunday (today) - Katie tells me that she's not coming back home today and instead is staying in Williamsport all week. I will not see her again before she moves because she's already there and she has no way of coming home if she wanted to for a few days. I decide that this is bullshit and went to practice parallel parking because I'm not going to sit around and listen to this every weekend in how she doesn't have a way to get here. Oh, and her computer isn't working right, so I can't even talk to her.

Overall feeling - that I shouldn't get my hopes up because god is targeting my hopes specifically and wants to shoot them all down. However, I'm completely insane and, now that I've known her for a month, I plan on getting a car and possibly a job in order to see her at all. Also, the convenience of "How did this miracle happen and she manage to live 5 minutes from my house?" is gone completely. Convenient my ass. Am I crazy? I think there is probable cause for saying that.

So much for the girl who lives 5 minutes away, who rides the bus to and from school with me, who is free any given day of the week. It's now the girl who lives an hour and a half away, doesn't go to the same school or live in the same state as me, and lives at a distance that we couldn't do anything on any given day of the week if we had to. Talk about the rug being pulled from under your feet, huh? Any sane person would say, "Well...that didn't work. Gonna have ta find me anudder wunn." I, instead say, "Hell...that sucks, but why not get a car and a job so I can visit this girl I've known for 31 days on the weekends?"

Who gets discouraged, huh? When there's hope, you fucking have to fight for it! So is this going to conflict with the schedule of my life? Probably. Is it worth it? Let's hope so, or I'm gonna be wasting a lot of time I'd rather spend doing something else. I think it's completely worth it as of right now, so why not fight for a dream? I'm tired of "I wish someone would fix this, I wish someone would fix that. I wish this would go this way and I wish that wouldn't." I'm gonna do it myself because I'm fucking 17 now. This year will make or break my life. My New Years Resolution (though a little late now) is to become something and pursue things for once. As Chris McCaughan from The Lawrence Arms wrote, "This year, I'll try to stand up for myself....This is my year for sure." I'm not getting the free ride I thought I was going to get with a girl that lives 5 minutes away. Touch luck, Kyle. If you want it, you have to go get it.

You know, I still write about mostly girls and music, but if that's all my life consisted of, I'd be perfectly content. Just as long as the girls and the music are good.

Here's what I'm looking forward to (I hope god doesn't read this): getting my license, recording vocals tomorrow (even if I'm not going to be there when it happens), my birthday party in two weeks, figuring out how life is going to work out now (it could work out for the better, believe it or not).

Now if some fucking being in the sky, in my head, in the sea, in the heavens, in space, or fucking under that rock I found with shit under it at Seneca Rocks tries to fuck my life up more, I'm gonna punch it. If there is a god, he doesn't think I deserve a free ride. Maybe it's because I don't think he deserves a capital letter in his name at this point. He's gotta work to get on MY good side, not the other way around. This way, I am my own god and I am in control. Ha!


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