Motivation

Why do I do what I do? What a broad, open-ended question. How do approach it? Well maybe I should narrow it down first...or maybe I should go for it like a starving man to a wild, unidentified fruit. Only, hopefully I won't die by answering my own hypothetical question wrong...

Why do I do what I do? Do I think that my actions will be rewarded one day...or that they're rewarding just to initiate in? Let me use an example...do I think that because I complain so much that I'll one day be happily relieved or do I find happiness in complaining? Do I succeed in school because I feel I'll be rewarded, or are grades rewarding in themselves? Do I talk to girls because I hope to one day be rewarded or because I genuinely enjoy talking to them? The answers may always lean more towards one answer, but they're never really that simple. Do you work so that you can pay bills or so that you can retire? It's both. Mostly to pay bills, but that retirement better come one day, too. Are these questions irrelevant?

I think that questioning yourself is just as important as questioning anyone else. Why do you do what you do? Do you listen to those shitty bands because you like them or because you expect the social world to reward you for listening to the same shitty music as them? Did you cut your hair like that because you like it or because People Magazine liked it? Do you go to church because you like going or because God will let you into heaven if you do?

Here's another question: do you have to have fun to enjoy yourself? What if you enjoy being lonely? Enjoy being miserable? On maybe a less morbid level...do you enjoy resting? Do you enjoy thinking, wandering through your mind, staring at walls? Those could all arguably be ideas of fun, though.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this...but ask yourself why you get out of bed sometime. Do you really expect the day to bring you anything? Is there a reason you find keeping yourself alive from day to day important? When your whole week has shat on you time after time, why do you keep trying? I think the answer to this (for those of you who decide to keep themselves alive) is easy. Because doing what we do starts to form habits. Maybe it's a habit of trying to prove yourself wrong...trying to prove others wrong...trying to see how much worse you can make your life. Do you ever really know why you keep trying? I don't, so I think that subconscious will must have something to do with it. Living is a habit. Don't break it.

Tell you one thing, if waking up and going to school wasn't a habit for me, I'd definitely find reason not to go quite often. If trying to look nice wasn't a habit, I'd not even bother most days. If breathing wasn't a subconscious habit, we'd all be dead! You're addicted to living. Don't believe me? Try to stop breathing only using will power.

I fucking do what I do because either I believe it's right for me or habit tells me to. Why am I an asshole when someone pisses me off? It's all I ever do when I'm pissed. It's simple. At the same time, it's so complex that I don't understand it at all. Why do I keep writing? Do I feel better writing? Am I enjoying myself? Do I feel like I'll be rewarded later? No, it's a habit.

love,
Kyle