Monday, December 8, 2008

Tofurkey is Faux Turkey

So Parry Gripp is a genius. Who would think "Hey, I'm going to write minute at max-lengthed songs, make stupid videos for them, put those on Youtube, and sell them on iTunes?" Parry Gripp would. And what's best is that they've nothing to do with anything! Some examples of song names: Hampster on a Piano (Eating Popcorn), Chimpanzee Riding on a Segway, Young Girl Talking About Herself [my personal favorite], and Soccer Ball (In the Face). You can only guess what those songs are about.

So have you ever found yourself, for some reason or another, attracted to someone that represents like everything you oppose and despise? I have. And why? I don't know. This girl I'm thinking of I know nothing about at all and I have a feeling she'd fit the stereotypes of her obvious group if I got to meet her, but it's oh so fascinating right now for some reason. So okay, I'll go ahead and say it: she's a fucking scene kid, I'm pretty sure. I hate scene kids. Fuck scene kids. I promised that this is what I'd talk about this time. So here goes...

Scene kids suck. Why do they suck? Because the first scene kid I met was not a scene kid when I met him. The first scene kid I met was a punk kid and he got me into punk music. Yes, the infamous David Irwin who supposedly fell down a flight of stairs, busted his head open, and bled out of his brain recently, so he said. As his ex-girlfriend told me, he actually got hit over the head with a beer bottle and then kept puking and passing out, so someone called for help. Now he acts like he's retarded and doesn't remember his own mom because he thinks it's funny. What a fucking douche.

But he's not why I hate scene kids. I hate scene kids because they suck! Why do they suck? Because they do. Their scene is based off of drama and bullshit and they don't know what kind of music they like, so they go for the ones with the guys that look like scene guys in them so that they can get some dick after a show. That's what it's about. It's about how fucking uninteresting your band name is (Butter Flies in the Wind, Christmas Trees on Fire at a Hanuka Feast, I'm Sporting Yule Log), having a big close-up picture or your band's name at the top of your MySpace, having shitty emo vocals that suck, writing songs that go nowhere, and having cute little pictures under your "Members" section on MySpace. Then it's about playing shows with lots of clone bands. Then it's about getting the scene girls and guys to dance like the midgets from Wizard of Oz at your shows. I'm horrible at insults. They just suck, okay? The bands, the kids, the vocals, the calling themselves punk, the jesus floats, the dick cheese, the skunk hair, the..the...the bloodshed.

So to find someone that listens to Paramore, as she proclaims 24/7, attractive is beyond me. Hopefully this soon will pass. She wants to be my friend though. Scary...she rides my bus. Fuckin' scene kids coming to my town. I'm supposed to be outraged. I'm not a very good anarchist, as I've said.

Fuck anarchists, too. They don't do shit. They destroy public property sometimes and complain about shit. I do both of those things unconsciously. Who gives a fuck? What are they accomplishing?

So until we rebreed the punk population (which goes against anti-breed, which a lot of punks believe in), we can't do much of anything anarchist-movement-wise. No one's gonna give a shit if half a dozen kids knock over a statue of Thomas Paine.

I'd fuck Jenna Fischer in a second.

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