Thursday, December 11, 2008

Religion is far more a choice than sexuality

If you have a ghost living in your house, I want to make one thing crystal clear: it has every bit of right to live there as you do. Unless said ghost is gay.

Did you know that 70% of all ghosts are gay? I guess there was a really thin line between gay Christians being allowed into heaven or not, so god just left them here because he didn't know what else to do with them.

I know this one thing: I'd better quit eating my dad and Rod's food. The secret ingredient to it being so good is they put a pinch of gay in everything they make. Good thing I have a strong gay-fighting immune system. I'm still probably considered an intermediate host and I can spread gay to other people without it affecting me. Pretty scary shit, huh? Better think twice about hugging me.

I'm just kidding about that. Everyone knows that being gay is not a choice. It's an STD. That's why I sleep with glue in my asshole. Gay is the leading cause of death in the American prison system. Interestingly enough, gay cannot be spread from man to woman. Therefore, there are actually two different species of gay. The first, homo gaymanous, is the man-transferable disease. The second, homo gaywomanous, obviously is what women catch. Homo gaywomanous is actually not an STD. It's an airborne disease that usually goes away after about a week. Most people catch it in their teen years at parties, or it breaks out when they're at parties. Some believe it's a terminal disease. If that were the case, the world would be a much happier place and rednecks would be out of a job.

So maybe you're reading this and thinking, "Hey, this is very offensive. I'm gay." Well I hate to tell you this, but chances are, so is your dad. The only reason I'm not gay like my faggot dad is because he didn't get assfucked until after I was born. But apparently, my younger brother wasn't as lucky.

Why is being gay a problem? Well I think the answer is obvious. It's literally killing American families. Luckily, we have a very strategical way of getting rid of our queers here in America. Did you know they're actually one of our most profitable exports? Wondering what kind of strategy I'm talking about? Well here's how it goes:
a.) a member of congress (Senate or House) goes onto MySpace and searches the band "Coldplay" (You thought 40-Year-Old Virgin was just cracking a joke? No. It was an under-the-table agreement to disclose to the government through a punchline what the number 1 most listened to band by gays is.) and then checks their friends list.
b.) all men under 5'9 on Coldplay's friends list are then accounted for and this is when the sorting process begins.
i.) all men that have pictures with more than 5 girls and at least 3 pictures of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are removed from the list.
ii.) all men that have pictures with more than 10 girls and do the same pose for every one are removed from the list (regardless of the presence of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders).
iii.) everyone else is assumed to be (and might as well be) gay.
c.) the member of congress then totals up all of the gays they've found, get their addresses, and send them invitations to the opening of a new Hollister in the largest cities of each state.
d.) their is no Hollister. There is only a trap door to a room filled with Broadway Musical handouts (to keep them quiet).
e.) the FBI then throws a signed copy of America's Next Top Model: Season 1 into the back of a truck and the gays do the work for them.
f.) the gays are then all shipped off to China, Russia, France, Belgium, Cyprus, Lebanon, and Fiji.

Think it doesn't happen? Think again. Think gays can be over 5'9? 300 was a movie and Xerxes shouldn't be questioned. Think "there aren't that many gays on Coldplays friends list"? That's our government doing an excellent job protecting the homeland.

I hope I've taught you a lot. Now do your part as an American: beat a queer, you fag-hater.

love (sexually [unless you're a queer]),

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