Monday, August 3, 2009

Tonight is the worst night of my life (quite possibly)

Funny because it rhymes with "Today is the first day of my life." But no, nothing is funny right now. No, Katie told me a little bit ago...well. I asked her to tell me all about her day. "Okay, be prepared. Woke up, ate breakfast, went shopping, enlisted in the navy, went out for lunch, visited my aunt, ran 3 miles, took a nap, and now im sitting on the couch." Hold it, what? Yeah. That's what I thought. I felt my heart jump into my throat, which really hurts right now because my throat is already fighting with my voice box for room. I've got laryngitis. So I think she must be shitting me or I must not understand what's going on. Enlisted in the fucking Navy? The Navy. The US Navy? The United States Naval Academy thing? You got that right. So okay, let's backtrack. Let's review the past 8 months I've spent trying to get with Katie. (Reading every blog I've ever posted will give you a better idea of the deeper feelings behind each event.) So I meet her, decide she's interesting, decide she's interested in me, decide I like her, find out she likes me back, hang out with her very often, she leaves abruptly, I try keeping in tact, we lose each other, she comes to a show of mine, we fight, we lose each other again, we talk it out and work it out, I buy her tickets to see Paramore, she can't come see them, we keep talking anyway, we catch up with each other, she comes and visits me randomly one day, we start dating, we make plans for the future, I adjust my life to fit her in it, she enlists in the Navy...and everything is shot to pieces so it seems. Maybe it's not. I fucking pray to fucking whatever or whoever of fucking something that it's not over. I goddamn care a lot about Katie Mullan. I can honestly say that Belle is the only other person I've ever felt like this for.

So like any normal human being that doesn't know what to say or do when in shock, I start saying things that come off as mean and unsupportive. It's no secret. I do not support joining the military. Fuck militarism. I hate recruiters. They lie and persuade at any costs to get more bodies to enlist. And poor Katie is taking the bait. I'm sorry, Katie, but I really don't think it's going to be anything like you think. You aren't taking control of your life. You're giving it away. You aren't going to make $80,000 a year at your rank. You aren't going to have an "ordinary job." You are going to be working on a military ship for months at a time out at sea. You aren't going to come back in 4 years and buy a home and easily raise a family, though that'd be great for us. That's the portrait they paint for you to join. That's not what a photograph would look like, though. I totally wish she understood this. I wish I could shoot her with a sense-making dart or some shit. Anything to keep her from going off to boot camp and then to wherever they station her. Anything. I have busted my ass trying to find time to be with her and I am always very nice when something comes up and I can't see her because my logic is that one day, it'll pay off and I'll get my time in.

She tells me she gets time to come home every month. First off, I doubt that seriously. Secondly, she'll probably be put in a place where it won't be easy for her to go from there to here and back. And third of all, how often does she see me now? Four times a year? If she does get to come back, I feel I'm not going to be the one she comes and visits. I don't feel that that's being pessimistic, either. That's me being honest and realistic about things.

And here is my absolute truth: I never really expected for Katie to go to Maine with Tim, Brittney, and I. God, that's such a stretch. And that talk about getting married and living together for a long time? Sure, that'd be fucking excellent, but was I writing that in the history book of my life in pen as if it might as well already have happened? No. I didn't even put it on my blog. What gets me though is that now, if she really goes through with this, takes her tests, gets checked, gets assigned a location and position, and makes it through bootcamp and leaves in the Navy, now we don't even get a shot at that. There's no fun apartment in Maine waiting for all of us and her. I'd love there to be. I hope by some stroke of luck or by a choice things turn around and that can happen. But if she really gets to go through with this, it's not going to.

I feel so selfish sometimes. But in all honesty, I've been very patient with her. I've waited 8 months and have been very persistant with trying to be with her. I haven't had a girlfriend in almost 2 years until now. I just want a happy and simple and love-filled relationship with her. I don't want her to go on a boat. I don't want her to leave me. I want her to follow her dreams, yes. If I really felt she was planning on going to like New York to follow some dream of hers or sometehing random like that, that's one thing. But her dream is not to work on a Naval ship, I'm sorry. She might feel like it's the right thing to do at this point in time, but it's not. Maybe I'm close-minded, but I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy. Caleb has been in the Young Marines or Sea Cadets for years now and has abadoned it because they're so full of shit in everything they promise. I believe that perspective more than the one Katie's gotten from talking to a recruiter for a day or whatever. Goddammit goddammit goddammit I wish I could change everything.

I feel like this is how my mom feels about me moving away. At least my mom knows where I'm going, who I'm going with, when I'm going, how long I'm going for, how far away it is, and all of those things. And she lives with me every day at this point. I guess this brings to the forefront that I really should be spending more quality time with my dad because I'm going to be a lot less present in his life before too long and I don't see him every day. If this is all a test from "God" so I can see through my dad's eyes and Katie doesn't really leave, then that's a cruel authority figure. But I'd happily let it be just that. I hate this right now. Relationships can suck. I wish my happiness lasted longer than like 8 or 9 days for once. All of you with religions, please pray for me. Pray that my happiness returns and things work out for me for at least a while. I want at least a shot at a normal relationship. That's all I ask. Shouldn't I be getting breaks for the attempt of trying to date a girl who lives 90 miles away? You people with girlfriends down the street don't know what it's like...but this is life, I guess. It really sucks this instant. To all of my friends who have been talking to me tonight through this: thank you very much. I really, really need a hug. A hug from my girlfriend would be ideal!!!


1 comment:

Kayleigh said...

dude that sucks :( I felt similar kinds of shitty when TK talked about joining the Marines..but your situation sucks in a totally different way cuz you never get to see her. *hugs*