Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I sit in solitude only thinkin' of you and me

So I kinda broke new ground today running-wise. This time I went 40 minutes straight...something I'd not have been able to do two weeks ago. Probably not even ten days ago. That's not implying that I enjoyed doing it, because I didn't. It goddamn blew. Like I said, you like running for the feeling you get when it's over. It's like putting yourself through hell so you can realize how good you have it for the rest of the day. Kinda weird. Kinda like how you take for granted that maybe you don't see your girlfriend much, but at least she's not in the Navy, right? Yeah, I never cherished the times that I could have said that. I can say that my girlfriend is alive and that's great, right? Bad thing right now is that I can get away with saying my girlfriend isn't talking to me. Ehh, it'll all be okay. She's going through a rough time, I've gathered.

So anyway, back to the running thing. Waking up is hell at 7 AM. Driving is hell at 7:15 AM. Running is very much hell at 7:30 AM. Breathing is heaven at 9 PM. Showering is heaven at 9:15 AM. Going back to bed is very much heaven at 9:30 AM. I wish I'd cherish this time that I could be spending sleeping right now by doing just that, but my mind wanders too much at night. Did I live the day to a standard worth living? Did I forget anything important? Is Katie going to be in a better mood to talk to tomorrow? When will I see her again? When are we recording again? Where the hell is Timmy? I love Alkaline Trio. I wish I was Matt Skiba. Wouldn't that be awesome if I was? Do you think Matt Skiba had girl problems as a teenager?

I can go on forever and that's kind of my problem is that I do inside my head. All I should be thinking is: today went the way it did and you can't change it. Live tomorrow to its fullest. Hope that Katie will come around soon. Hope she will decide against the Navy. Hope that she'll move back here. Hope that the future will be amazing. Know that your new album will be amazing. Get some fucking sleep because in the morning, it's going to be hell.

I always get too cocky. Look here, getting a girlfriend doesn't necessarily solve your girl problems. I always told myself and my friends often tell themselves, "If you get a girlfriend, all of your problems will be solved." Well I got one. I got the one girl in the world that I wanted more than any other. Mine. Exclusively. But, look, all of my problems aren't magically gone. She's still having troubles in her life, I am in mine, she still lives an hour and a half away, she's now enlisting in the Navy, she's got tons of problems at home, she doesn't know how to act around me or anyone else at this point, I don't know when I can go visit her. That's a lot of problems. See, before she was my girlfriend, a lot of those things weren't really any of my concern. I guess they still don't have to be, but point is that she's my girlfriend and it'd probably be good for us to talk and see each other because that's truthfully how it's supposed to work. I goddamn wish she still lived 5 minutes down the road and I saw her every night at either my house or hers or in town. I goddamn wish she still road the same school bus to school with me and sat with me every morning and afternoon. But that is a little unrealistic anymore...especially considering she graduated and doesn't ride buses anywhere anymore. Learn, adjust, move on, repeat. That's all life is, as I see it. You can't get caught up in how great the good ol' days were, though it's easy to do.

I don't really know what my point to any readers is other than take my word for it when I say that being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean your problems are solved. Can it mean that? Sure, I suppose. If your problems are that you have no one to be with and love and be with exclusively, then yes, a relationship can probably solve all of those things. Long distance sucks, though, man. And not like this whole "Oh I won't see her for a long time and she's so far away. How will I resist all of these temptations?" because no, that's bullshit. I'm not dating Katie because I lacked that figure in my life, I am because I care very much about her and want to be with her. Let me make that clear. With her not just somebody. But long distance sucks because I cannot see her very often. Man, fuck all you cheaters. That's just kind of pathetic if you can't wait so long to see your partner that you have to break trust and be dishonest with them. Fucking ridiculous. Bleh. I'm preaching a lot, aren't I?

So anyway, I don't know what Katie's going through right now, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing against me personally, so I'm not going to fucking flip my shit over it. Shit happens. A lot. If, however, she is hiding something she's got against me personally, then fine. Fuck it. I'll deal with it. If that means we're over, though I'd really hope not, then I'll live. Shit. fucking. happens. Once again, not sure what my point is here, but I'mma deal and I'mma be just alright. I'll get upset and bent out of shape if and only if she shows me there is a problem between us. I just get so frustrated when people come to me with relationship problems saying, "He didn't smile, wink, and wave to me today in the hallway and was only online for 20 minutes today. Do you think he's cheating on me?" No, based on that, I don't. But what if he is? Why don't you fucking ask him instead of worrying about it based on petty little bullshit things? And I know, everyone reading this is thinking Kyle comes to me and tells me about petty little bullshit things all of the time. Yeah, so I do. But I don't usually associate them with, "Is she going to dump me?!" I'll admit that I just need someone to talk to and express what's on my mind and what I've observed. Don't know where I'm going with this, I just wish people would take a chill pill every once in a while.

I hope this whole post read in one continuous stream is a lot less monotonous as I feel it's coming from my fingers. I feel like I'm simply bitching in circles, but hey, maybe I am. I'll just sit here and think of nothing 'cause nothing keeps me sane.


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