Saturday, July 4, 2009

Why do I do this to myself?

This weekend isn't going to go as planned, I do figure. Katie rumored that she was coming to this area today and I cannot get ahold of her for shit. So she may be, as Alkaline Trio would say, "off someplace far away laughing at me." Or maybe there's a logical explaination. Then again, there's always some sort of logical explanation for everything in life and I think, personally, that the real reasons behind things aren't usually logical, so by there always being a logical explanation from everyone (be that my dad, Jason, Katie, Belle, etc), I think I'm not recieving the whole truth. But hey, what do I know? I'm just saying that I have no idea what's going on and it's a bummer as usual and I'd prefer that people'd be straight with me more often.

On that note, my dad is being very, very illogical and probably even more so childish. He, in a desperate attempt at controlling me, has taken my laptop, my Wii, my drums, guitar, and bass all for hostage, so to speak, and not letting them leave his house. The Wii I can understand because he did buy it for that house, but my logical reasoning (which is completely true in this case) is that it was played more at this house than his because it was hooked up to the main TV that everyone watches shows on and shit. Here at my mom's we have no satellite, cable, or any sort of service like that. Just television sets. That and my brother lives here and can play it while I'm always drumming or doing something less productive at my dad's. However, him taking it back makes sense. I didn't appreciate how the first thing he said to me after a few days of silence was, "Is the Wii here?" and proceeded to ask me to go get it from my mom's house so he could take it back. Thanks, Dad, I have also been trying to make the best of this situation. How insulting. But anyway, he bought the Wii, it was just a very opportune time for him to ask for it back. My laptop, however, was NOT bought for the entire family. He argues that it was bought to replace the the desktop that crashed in the basement that was initially bought for the whole family. Okay, two things about why it's not ridiculous for me to take my laptop to my mom's:

1. It's a laptop and unlike that desktop, it is mobile.
2. The desktop, unlike my laptop, was bought before everyone else in my dad's house had their own computer.

So uhh...yeah, you can force logic out of it in his favor, but it's really irrational. So anyway, my dad basically took this week of time to cool off to instead get more pissed at me. Will he be the same to his son as he's been to everyone else in his past that he feels has "wronged him" in some way? Perhaps, meaning he'll hold a grudge against me until one of us dies and he'll never really be able to hold a real and logical conversation with me. And if he gets progressively worse, well, my mom is looking in to see if I lawfully am required to see him at all and also if he lawfully can take back all of the things he's gotten me. As I often say...hasn't he ever had a girlfriend? You should know that if you buy a girl a gift, that money towards it is an investment and if you let it fail or something happens, it's gone. No refunds. You can't make up rules after it's done. A gift is a gift. So anyhow, that's basically how that's going. Oh, and no gigs on weekends he has us and no visiting friends on his weekends. Sounds fair, right? Since my mom would let me play gigs and go to my friends' houses on her weekends. Shows some real maturity on his part, it seems.

Oh, so anyway, one more thing. What I'm taking my dad doing this as is this: I have to buy things on my own if I'm not going to accept his help (though that's not what moving back with my mom was about or is about at all). So! That being said, I should get a job and work to buy my own things! Right? That's how it seems to me. So I'll do just that. I've been applying for a few places and I'm going to apply to a few more. And get this: if band gets in the way, then I'll just quit. I'm not going to be in band to please my dad if it's going to conflict with me taking care of myself, as it seems he also wants me to do. This isn't about pleasing my dad anymore. I tried moving out and not offending him and the whole time I was there I tried my hardest to please him, but if I get complete irrationality and disrespect in return, then I'm not going to do this to myself any longer. Do I make myself clear? I'm doing something punk for the first time in my life and living for myself. I am not giving up my dreams; I'm going to go to college to do what I want in life. Fuck anyone who tells me I can't or I should do differently. So this is it, I'm done. I'll worry about other things.

Next on the list to worry about: how am I getting my stuff out of my dad's house? How am I going to deal with his reaction? Should I deal with him at all? What am I doing this evening for the Fourth of July? Burn a flag? Go to Ridgeley? Go to Cumberland? Try to contact Katie some more?

Is this a good post? It's very personal. I think I should write an entire album-worth of lyrics because I obviously have a lot to say about this. See, musicians are always supposed to be told that they'll never make it, so that's playing out nicely. Motivation to prove people wrong.