Been wonderin'

It was brought to my attention a good while ago but today, I thought I'd reiterate the question: Why the fuck is there a band called Thrash Unreal? And why the fuck do they sound like shit powerpop? Do they not realize that their name is a complete and total copy of an Against Me! song title? I mean, "Thrash Unreal" isn't a phrase used in every day conversation. In fact, I don't even know what it means. I just know it's an Against Me! song and that's where I first heard the two words next to each other and then this band came along. Tell you what, don't waste your time listening to them. I swear you've heard it all before and it's lame.

Also, why am I continually being convinced that Katie has another boyfriend? Is it that she keeps changing her status on MySpace to things referring to how much she "loves love" and how she was "going out with the bf <3"? My shit got erased and I don't remember what was written here. But basically...that's shitty and I want some closure. It's all I ask. It'd be nice to ask that she doesn't cheat on me, but maybe that's too much to ask for. (I hate how my shit was deleted because I'm pretty sure I'd written something good here.)

Anyway, let me tell you about September 13, 2009 in the life of Kyle Wagoner. I guess you could say that I "found my faith in God." That's kind of misleading, though. Anywhere, here's what happened. My mom and stepdad are part of the Christian Motorcycle Association (CMA) and the CMA decided to have a church service together on Sunday. So my mom and stepdad went and I had to go with them. This was not at our church. This was at a holy rollers church where people are free to say "Hallelujah," "Amen!" "Praise God!" "Darn' tootin'!" and anything else they can think of proclaiming as they please. The pastor was part of CMA and was up there wearing jeans and a leather vest with his CMA emblem on the back. He's got glasses and white balding hair and holds the mic with both hands most of the time. He didn't say anything other than "God is good. Praise Jesus. We are all blessed." So basically, he said nothing. So then we sang like 20 songs in a row without stopping. The piano player had a mic and she like lead the singing. There was a big ol' prompter with the lyrics on it. Her mic was turned up too loudly. She didn't have a very good vocal range and had to sing falsetto at a rather low note for a woman. The songs also said nothing. "Holy Holy Holy." "God is good. I love God." Shit like that. I was not a fan. Then, to top that off, when we were FINALLY done singing, the pastor gets up and goes, "Those are some deep lyrics." I couldn't help but make a very disagreeing face.

Well then after about an hour and a half, this guy comes out and he's the husband of the pianist. He kind of had rape face, at least at first. No motorcycle vest, but he was wearing jeans, but he announced that wearing them there made him feel uncomfortable. Boy, this guy could speak. He apparently used to be the pastor at Central Assembly of God--that fucking hugeass church that everyone around here seems to somehow go to even though it's like way out of the way of everything. Anyway, this guy starts by saying it's his job to close the service and tie everything together. Well, he didn't have much to work with in tying shit together since no one had really said anything, as I've said. He read from John 6:something or some shit. It was the story of how Jesus went up to pray and told his disciples to wait for him by the ocean and he'd come back. For whatever reason, they got into their boat and then a big ol' storm came, they all were certain they were going to die and called out for Jesus, then he appeared walking on the water and said, "I am here. Do not be afraid," and the storm subsided and they were instantly where they were heading on the shore. This guy does the only thing I enjoy going to church for--he relates happenings in the Bible to actual life. That actually applies to me...applies to everyone. "Jesus is Lord. God is good," are hallow words that mean absolutely nothing. Well this guy is a fuckin' great speaker, as I said. He provides comic relief in the perfect places. He pulls all of this shit out of his ass that perfectly pertains to what his main purpose is somehow. He's trying to sell this house he built and we're in a fucking economic slump and he's having no luck with it. He was talking about how he's got all of this doubt that it'll sell and he's struggling and what was once his gift is now his burden. He said that the disciples in the boat were in their boat--the boat that they'd caught fish in for years and sold for money and the boat that they had millions of stories to tell about--and the storm came and they no longer wanted anything to do with their boat. He said they, at that point, would have been happy to have torn the boat to a million pieces and burn each piece cursing that it had ever existed. He related that to how he'd love to burn his house down. He then said that a plane had gone down near the house. When he first started talking about the plane crash, I thought he was going to talk about the tragedy and tie that in, but he said, "The plane hit a barn a few thousand feet from the house. My wife and I had left for church around the same time it hit. I don't mean it was just close, I mean it was in a straight line heading straight toward the house. Now, I wouldn't wish that tragedy on anyone, but God, YOU COULDA TAKEN THAT SUCKER OUT!" Anyway, case and point here: he was a great speaker.

This is what I came to realize: Jesus is hope. Jesus is love. Jesus is a savior. I believe those things 100%. However, Jesus to me is me. Jesus is hope that a better day will one day come and gives people reason to keep trying in life. I am 17 years old and on my own, I've realized that even when I think my girlfriend may very well be cheating on me with someone else, another day will always come. I do not need the figure of Jesus to keep myself going. I have not been close to killing myself and need to hear, "There is a way out. Jesus Christ." I am my own fucking savior. It's pretty much Satanism by definition, but if that's what it is, then fuck it. That's what I believe. Jesus is good. Without Jesus, many people would not straighten up and would lose themselves. He is in our hearts. He is inside of us. Yes, that is what I fucking said. He is me. I am my own Jesus. It's all in my head. Does that make sense? The whole experience really made me realize this. But you know what? I don't believe anything in the Bible ever happened. I don't believe Jesus is the son of God or fuckin' whatever. I don't even believe in God. I am not going to try to argue that the world and universe was not created because I am not sure that it wasn't. However, I think it's ignorant to claim that I or anyone knows what's going to happen to us when we die or to think that just because someone created the universe, you can talk to him/her/it through telepathy. All in our heads, I think.

love,
Kyle