HC 86 BOX 17B
Springfield, WV 26763Mr. Lucifer “Satan” Beelzebub
666 The Underworld
Detriot, Michigan 48201
Dear Mr. Satan:
Last night you allowed me to make an ass of myself in front of all of my friends. You should know more than most that I am a huge and very devout fan of yours. I spend many days of my life preaching about how I don’t believe that Jesus ever existed and how life after death is a made up fictional fairytale to keep people doing good in the world. For just once, I wanted to show my friends how wonderful and mighty and graceful you are and how much of a fraud “God” is. And what did you do? You did nothing.
I hereby wish to break all ties with you. I am through attending your church. The pastor did a subpar job anyway. I am not going to send my children to your church, either. I am going to find my own church. I think I will call it the Reformed Church of Satan. Yes, I think that is a great idea. I am going to fund the church by setting up false charities because I know that works really well.
Also it was really cold last night. Satan, we can still be friends if you just come back to me. I needed somebody to keep me warm last night but all I had was Timmy. Timmy does not radiate the flames of hell. It just isn’t the same. Please write back. I have enclosed all my loving to you. Sorry this letter wasn’t as formal as I intended for it to be. My innermost feelings for you get the best of me sometimes.
P.S. Thanks again for the musical abilities. It means the world to me.